Saturday, October 31, 2009

What Turned Me Gay (again, not really)

He-Man (and the Masters of the Universe) turned me gay. Yes, a cartoon is to blame. How better to indoctrinate young boys into the joys of musclebound, scantily clad, sword-thrusting-obsessed gym bunnies? I was a tad older than the target audience for the animated television show, but I avidly snuck in some guilty after-school viewing because it was totally titillating. I was a little confused about the whole idea of an animated character turning me on, but I didn't allow that confusion to kill my buzz. He-Man and his massive, nippleless chest enthralled me. His six pack abs disappearing down into his furry briefs and those lovingly drawn legs with quads as big as his waist (and calves not far behind)... I'm not sure if I wanted to be He-Man's boytoy in Eternia or have He-Man materialize in the eye-popping flesh in my world. Either would have been fine with me.
He-Man was actually a royal prince who was a total wuss. He was a bodybeautiful musclegod behind the thin disguise of a sissy boy. Ummmm... seriously? Is anyone shocked that a whole crop of gay boys sprang from that seed!? The closet case who thrusts his sword erect to claim the liberating power of a leather harness and bikini briefs? He-Man should be the mascot for EVERY gay pride parade.
I was way too old to have any excuse to have seen the Dolph Lundgren live-action movie Master's of the Universe in the late 1980's... and yet I saw it. Did I mention Dolph Lundgren was in it? Perhaps my first in a long line of giant, blond, Swedish stunners for me to obsess about.
Dress Dolph in nothing but a harness and a leather bikini bottom (or less!), and I'm defenseless. Get him sweaty, chained, and whipped, and my teenage self was ready to cum hands-free, right there in the theater. Dolph, Dolph, Dolph... so many fantasies...
Apparently there's been on again/off again rumors that a new He-Man project could be in the works (most recently: off again). It seems that there's debate about how "cheesy" to make it, or whether to play it as some sort of Conan the Barbarian melodrama. David Madison at Unreality Mag spent some time fantasy-casting the new movie according to his tastes, with a very respectable choice of True Blood Aussie bodybeautiful, Ryan Kwanten. I like that thinking, though Ryan would need to add at least 35 pounds of muscle mass to have any resemblance to the demi-god of Eternia. The rest of Madison's choices leave me flaccid, and that is distinctly not in keeping with my childhood memories of He-Man. Perhaps we've missed the basic premise that EVERYONE in Eternia is built like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Gary Oldman as an evil villain with 20-inch biceps and obliques that can cut crystal? I'm smelling bad special effects or very disappointing eye candy (and box office suicide).
I'm all for a remake of Masters of the Universe. It must have some of the key elements that made it iconic in the first place, though. It must have an entire cast of muscle bound demi-gods, featuring the cock-tease king himself, He-Man, in a leather harness with a HUGE sword (a-hem...). It must include some bondage, preferably with our naive blond muscle hero humiliated in chains. It must have sweaty, muscle on muscle grappling. If this classic formula is adhered to, I guarantee box office success... and another generation of boys turning gay.

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