Friday, November 13, 2009

I Will Not Hate, I Will Not Hate, I Will Not Hate...


Clearly, I'm not a
Cosmo girl. The unveiling of Cosmo's hottest bachelors from across the country seems like it's tailor made for gayboy consumption. But not so much. I really don't think of myself as a hater. I love the look of all sorts of bodies, really I do. But seeing the wall of Cosmo's bachelors on this clip from the Today Show makes me think that I am simply not the demographic Cosmo had in mind. Vanilla, vanilla, vanilla... no heat, little color, and some of them just haven't quite finished up with puberty. Mr. Mississippi makes me feel like a felon, and that the time is not worth the crime!

Okay, that sounded harsh. I'm really working on not hating here. Let me just take Mama's advice and focus on the positives:
In this clip, keep your eyes out for Mr. Oregon. I'm jonesin' on him for three reasons: 1) he's setting off my 'dar with his answer to the question of what he looks for in a "girl," 2) his body is ripped to shreds, and 3) he's got to be high, probably to work himself up to answer questions about "girls" (see #1). Read his profile on Cosmo, and tell me that Mr. Oregon doesn't play for our team. He finds it stressful to date (women) because he never knows how long to wait before it's safe to make a move. Trust me, darling, we've all tried playing that stressful game at one time or another. He wants to remind women that some men are sensitive, and his roommate's girlfriend says he's the type that every girl wants to take home to her parents (e.g., non-threatening). Yep, my 'dar is working just fine.
I'll skip my catty comments about Mr. Georgia, and I'm summoning superhuman self-restraint not to do a discourse analysis on Mr. Maine's characterization of a woman's anatomy. Returning to Mama's advice, let me continue...
I'm guessing Mr. Washington's been smokin' weed with his neighbor to the south, so he's also tripping my 'dar. If all he wants a woman for is to incubate progeny, we can hire out, and he and Mr. Oregon came come over to my place for naked Fritos.
Finally, Mr. Ohio is even more shredded that Mr. Oregon, but unlike Mr. Oregon, he doesn't appear to be stoned (i.e., could be a bit uptight), so I'm sticking with my three-way naked Frito-fest fantasy in the Pacific Northwest. Still, that clip from the Today Show featuring Mr. Ohio in his adorable glasses, revealing that he's a 3rd grade teacher, and... ding, ding, ding, ding!!!. Wait, he's a gym bunny, third grade teacher who doesn't have a girlfriend, and his idea of a sexy date (with a woman) is a bike ride in the country and ice cream? All right. He can grab some Ben & Jerry's Hubby Hubby and bike over to join me, Mr. Washington, Mr. Oregon, and the Fritos. He needs a toke.

So, as I said, clearly I'm not a Cosmo girl. And this hottest bachelor bit is grating on my nerves and making me have to work extra, extra hard not to go hatin'. Now I need to clean the house and pour the Fritos in a bowl.

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