Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Substance of Wrestling


Once more, all hail our reigning World Gravy Wrestling Champion, Joel Hicks (and pass the mashed potatoes)! Eye of the Cyclone can claim my firstborn child (don't hold your breath) for posting this fabulous television spot with our stunning world champion in spandex shorts. I thought champion Joel was a stunner in his action shots from the competition this summer...
...but sweet (more accurately, savory) mother of God, buffboy Joel is even more gorgeous than I thought! It's not like there's anything at all to complain about (perhaps he could lay off tweezing the eyebrows just a tad...), but I'm particularly in awe of the heft of those muscled thighs! Rippled abs, massive shoulders and traps, big, round bubble butt... and some savvy staffer oiled this fine specimen up. The cast and the stagecraft are spot on.
But the real joy in this short clip for me is getting to see our world champion doing what he does best. The television program pits Joel in a mock competition with three outclassed jobbers grappling in gravy. In just a few brief minutes, Joel manages to create for us a complex character (babyface, muscled heel with a sadistic streak) who tells us a nice story. In his first match with an astonishingly unimpressive jobber, Joel shows that he knows how to use those muscles right off the bat, lifting the hapless jobber off his feet and suplexing him twice into the gravy. A third lift, and Joel power slams the doe-in-the-headlights outside of the gravy pit, presumably where it would do more damage without the gravy to help break his fall. Joel finally seals the deal by climbing onto his victim's back and grabbing the jobber's head in both hands, grinding the loser's face into the gravy.
We don't get to see the qualifying match, but a big boy faces off with our world champion for the final. This also-ran initially looks a little too big for even hardbody Joel to throw around, but immediately Joel lifts the sack of potatoes onto his shoulders in an airplane spin before falling backward, driving his opponent into the gravy. The big boy contender literally tries to crawl out of the gravy pit rather than suffer any more abuse, but Joel grabs the jobber by his foot and drags him, flailing, back into the pit. Once again, our world champion shows the qualities that earned him his crown by sitting on his challenger's back and grinding the loser's face into the gravy-soaked pit by two handfuls of hair. When the "ref" blows the whistle to call the match, adrenalin-jacked Joel decks the ref and throws him into the gravy as well.
Joel is finally proclaimed the champion before all three contenders and grandma (literally) pile on him. The three-on-one puts our muscled champion on his back and crushed beneath the heap. The second place finisher gets his revenge by eventually sitting on Joel's muscled pecs, crotch-to-chin, and allowing inertia to finally turn that massive tummy to his advantage as Joel twists and bucks, trying to free himself and keep his head above the gravy.
I was a fan of World Champion Gravy Wrestler Joel Hicks at first sight. Now, after seeing Joel in action, I am simply in awe. Joel gets it. From plugging the hospice which generates funds from the tournament, to his stunningly crafted gym body, to his vicious dominance in the gravy pit, Joel understands what he's doing. I, for one, am his loyal subject, and I'm jonesin' to see more of the reigning World Champion Gravy Wrestler doing exactly what he does best.

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