Saturday, November 28, 2009

What Turned Me Gay (again, not really)


Marc Singer turned me gay. First of all, anyone who can pull off the title "the Beastmaster" must be an object of lust. It's a truism. Pair that with an emotionally sensitive character who can talk to animals and is named "Dar," and this thing has gay written all over it. Long before Daniel Goddard donned his loincloth, Marc Singer was sweat-soaked in a leather brief and wielding his massive (really, massive!) sword.
Beastmaster is a retelling of the classic tale that revolves around the thin line between man and beast. Particularly the Goddard-version of Dar was a PETA-champion, eco-terrorist, Greenpeace warrior speaking on behalf of the misunderstood animals and natural world threatened by human greed. Of course, beastmasters are all sex-on-a-stick because whatever the green-political trappings, just like Tarzan, the Beastmaster is all about what we're left with when we strip away all our repressions and the social constraints of human civilization: essentially naked, raw, brutal, fierce sex (again, let's take note of the HUGE sword).
As an impressionable young kid, I saw Marc Singer's hard, sweaty embodiment of the untamed libido, and a wave washed over me... leaving me gay and seriously aroused. When Singer moved on to star in V, I was glued to the tube. He never gave us as much skin as he did as Dar, but even fully clothed, it was impossible to miss his gorgeous body. The sincerest form of flattery, both Beastmaster and (very recently) V were remade with even more beautiful people and snazzier special effects. But I cherish that pre-adolescent memory of Marc Singer flexing, fighting, and thrusting (the sword), and getting me in touch with my own untamed, pre-cognitive, raw, naked sexuality.

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