Wednesday, December 23, 2009

In Support of Elf-kind

I think Santa Claus gets way too much credit. The way I see it, he's little better than the corporate CEO's who get all the attention and obscene amounts of compensation while the worker bees get downsized. Come on! It's clearly the elves who are the material means of production in the operation. But what child is clamoring to climb up on some elf's lap and inflate his ego? And have you seen Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer lately? Santa comes across as quite the intolerant bigot with more than a hint of homophobia. And he's a bastard to his sincere, industrious elves.
So I'm all for promoting elves today. Orlando Bloom as the elf Legolas in the Lord of the Rings jumps to the front of my mind. Yes, indeed, I'd much, much, much rather sit on his lap than that jelly-filled tyrant of the North Pole.
Personally, I'd support a proletariat revolution of the elves. I'm in complete sympathy with any effort they make to reclaim the political power imbued in the capital production of their labor. I'm not advocating for Santa to be assassinated or anything. But I wouldn't blame them for sentencing him to a remote work camp where he had to get back in touch with his rightful place in a just economy by assembling Christmas toys until his fingers bleed.
Orlando Bloom as the social revolutionary elf wresting the socio-political and economic control of elf society away from their bourgeois exploiter is a hot concept, I think (maybe it's just one too many eggnogs). Orlando in his pointy ears, fighting in the trenches and inspiring all elfkind with his shirtless leadership is a blockbuster waiting to happen.
Santa Claus ought to look over his shoulder, I think. While he literally grows fat off of the exploitation of his despised workers, the longing for liberation and justice can't help but be bubbling just beneath the surface. Perhaps when Santa returns from his once-yearly grandstanding, handing out the produce of millions of elf-hours of uncompensated labor as if it were his own, this year he just might find there's been a coup in the North Pole. Perhaps December 26 will be remembered by generations of elves to come as the Glorious Day of the Revolution. My heart is with them in their struggle for elf-dignity and self-determination.
And I'm first in line to sit on comrade Bloom's lap.

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