Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Serving Satan

I used to lust after
Lex Luger guilt-free. Lex could probably qualify for an installment in my "What Turned Me Gay" series, but honestly, I knew that I was gay and happily nurturing my wrestling kink before Lex's standout physique caught my eye.
Wrestling Arsenal captures Lex nicely, characterizing him as a bully. He was at his best making lesser men scream, refusing to break the hold once the bell rang, and crunching out most musculars knowing that no matter how much the crowd booed, we we were all in awe of his stunning body.
1000 Holds recently posted a great squash by Lex. As is so often the case, the commentary is undisguised body worship. 1000 Holds has helpfully highlighted the most blatant body worship dialogue with pop-ups (I love pop-ups). My favorites are "He has literally bulldozed his way through every top wrestler around," and, "Luger is just the much larger of these two... 30 inch thighs!" Seriously, he knows the precise measurement of Luger's thighs. These commentators are hot and bothered by body beautiful Lex, and their patter makes this squash match about much more than just a three-count pin. This is about worship at the feet of a muscle god.
At some point in the 90's, Lex started to turn into his own plastic action figure. I'm not sure what cocktail makes the big boys lose definition and look completely plastic, but it's a shame. Of course, it's not as much of a shame as being arrested with intent to distribute. And of course there's the shame of introducing your girlfriend to the recreational drugs that ultimately killed her. Then there's the shame of desperately turning über-Christian and blaming "Satan" for your dumb ass, self-destructive, literally narcissistic choices on your way to hocking the magazine you write for (I'm really fine with religion, but I can't tolerate the Christian-capitalist marketing machine).
I don't mean to second guess anyone. If Lex is a happy camper, more power to him. As for me, I like to remember Lex from around 1990, when he was still serving Satan, turning me (and clearly more than a couple commentators) on, and telling the timeless story of a muscle god destroying the mere mortals in his way.


  1. I remember Lex from the mid 1980's and around 1990, when I used to see him on Saturday morning TV wrestling. He was amazing, with incredible strength, he used to lift and throw jobbers around like they were nothing.

    I've heard of late that he's having health problems, so I wish him well, and hope things turn out okay for him.

  2. Me too. I read that he had a major stroke in 2008 that left him significantly paralyzed, but that he's recovered quite a bit of his mobility and is walking with a cane. I'm not a fan of the turn to blame Satan for past mistakes, but I don't wish him ill health at all.

    I remember a match that had to have been around 1989. His storyline was that he was lobbying to join the four horsemen. I clearly remember a moment in the match when he got a wedgie, with one huge ass cheek bare. Simply amazing...



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