Monday, February 15, 2010

Never Had a Chance

The Canadian women's hockey team has been criticized for beating their first round opponents 18 - 0. It's not in the spirit of the Olympics, so the story goes, to humiliate your opponents. Just beat them. What is it that goes into deciding to score those 5 goals in the 3rd period? It's simply not about winning anymore. It's about statement. Frankly, it's not really about making a statement to your opponent, really. It's about making a statement to potential opponents who might be considering taking you on. Show no mercy in utterly humiliating your outclassed opponent and tell the world you'll fuck up anyone else who dares to go toe to toe with you, too.
A recent conversation at Ringside at Skull Island made me think some more about the wrestling squash match. Some folks just aren't into the squash. Seeing one man completely outclass his opponent on the way to devastating humiliation doesn't turn everyone crank.
Most often, though, it turns mine. For me, it isn't that there's no competitive spirit in a squash. The competition just isn't all happening in the ring. The humiliating squash is the message sent to the arrogant punks sizing you up back in the locker room later on. When Billyboy took a jab at Brad Rochelle's balls, Brad completely demolished the doe-eyed hunk. Brad tortured the punk far past the point of necessity as a message to the next piece of shit that might think it was worth a stab to use Brad's testicles like a speed bag. The testosterone laced kink is the sneering challenge to the hot shot who thinks they're ready to take you on next. Just try me, and you'll see me unleash the merciless destruction on your ass that I'm unleashing on this piece of shit.
It's a fascinating, titillating sight to see an eager/dumbass young hopeful climb into the ring when the rest of us know that he's got no chance. It doesn't have to be a mystery to be hot in my book. When Jeff Phoenix showed up without his partner for his tag team match against Jose and Cruze, the hardbody hunk was all mouth. He boasted he could beat both heels by himself. You knew and I knew that Jeff was in for complete destruction. Jose knew it. Cruze knew it. Hell, for all his bluster, Jeff knew it. The heels took their time in systematically double teaming Jeff's muscle ass like artists, illustrating that it's not the science of the knowing that always matters, just like it isn't strictly the competition that tells the story in the ring. Sometimes, it's the artful execution and merciless thrill that makes it worth it.
The demolition as art can be a beautiful thing that revs my engine. Kid Leopard's skills have always been awe inspiring. It's not like we can't tell when he steps into the ring with another eager/dumbass musclehead destined for humiliation. We watch because we want to see just how he'll go about it this time. In what way will he twist and torture the stud? What gravity defying position will he force the unsuspecting blowhard into, and how long will he toy with his victim before forcing him to finally scream in submission? How will he make us gasp and his victim cry?
Kid Vicious is the same sort of battler. The smile on his face as he crushes Joe Driver's hhhhhuge package under his boot makes me a little lightheaded. KV sells his sadism with such mastery. His inevitable dismantling of the fresh meat dangled in front of his face is never seriously in doubt. It's his style, his savagery, and the systematic ownership of his opponents that keeps me coming back for more. Like several voices at the BG East listserv, I'm all for a long overdue KV spotlight. I just vote to throw him at least a couple bright-eyed, hardbodied rookies who actually think that they have a chance when they step in the ring. Their shock will be my happy ending.
Finally, Mitch's motel match against Jeremy Burk comes to mind as one more squash done right, in my book. The reigning champion for my favorite homoerotic wrestling pornboy title, Mitch is relentless. Jeremy is his plaything from the moment he steps into the room. Mitch overpowers him and completely owns him just about every step of the way. And I turn every page eagerly, not because the climax is somehow in doubt, not because the "what" of the plot keeps me guessing, but because the how is so delightful to see unfold. Spank that punk's ass with his own shoe, Mitch! Suspend him upside down with his head squeezed between your knees. Do those push ups on top of him, grinding your crotch into his face over and over again. I knew you could do it. I just wanted to watch. It may not be the spirit of competition, but it gets me off.

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