Saturday, January 15, 2011

A New Chris in Town

Someone who keeps me (relatively) honest recently pointed out to me that I'm awfully predictable. For example, wave Mitch Colby in front of me, despite his fall from the top two spots in my favorite homoerotic wrestler pornboy rankings, and I salivate like Pavlov's dog. Or, for that matter, dangle a 6'3" prettyboy with big hands in front of me as I'm waking up with a cup of tea and my dog napping beside me, and without fail, somehow, I can face the world a little more confidently. 


Ever since those bastards at ABC News passed over the option of promoting Chris Cuomo to the anchor desk of Good Morning, America, I've been having a crisis of morning confidence. That is, I've been having a crisis until the geniuses at CBS News swept out yesterday's news and restocked the Early Show with Chris Wragge and Jeff Glor (with regular reports from the field by nerd-o'licious Ben Tracy).


For the past two weeks, it's been Chris Wragge who is typically the shiny, bright face smiling back at me first that makes my heart beat a little faster amid the morning doldrums. In my intimate morning ritual with Chris, I've learned a few things. He has an infectious smile. He has really big hands. He possesses a handsomeness that's not entirely "pretty," which surprises and intrigues me. He has a temperament perfectly tuned to the frequency of morning national "news," which means that he can pull off a little gravitas, but he's really there for the sexy charm, self-deprecating folksy humor, and a willingness to sell whatever "entertainment" crap that they insist on populating those shows with.


Case in point: Chris won the "comfort food cook-off" competition against his other on-air cast members. Big, thick muscles, a 6'3" frame, sexy charm, AND he can cook?! What's wrong with this picture?


Okay, so let me be blunt in answering my own question. In my two, intimate weeks of getting to know him in the morning, it's not all been dimples and winks. I've also noticed that he gets unattractively pursed lips when he's thinking too hard (there's an easy solution to that problem, prettyboy). I'm not sure if the Early Show make-up people have a grudge against him, but they consistently apply the bronzer inconsistently, leaving him with a Bozo the Clown air about him (olive-skinned Cuomo just doesn't face this problem ever, I'd wager!). And while his cocky, sexy charm makes me think naughty thoughts, he also borders on perhaps loving himself just a little too much. I really don't know his story (despite the gratuitous "get-to-know-us" testimonials the new Early Show team presented the first week), but he has the swagger of a big, sexy white boy who's accustomed to having the world handed to him the moment he flashes his superwhite teeth and unbuttons his shirts down to his sternum.


Back to my naughty thoughts, though, I'm as predictable as a rainy day in Seattle when I report that everything about Chris screams out for a starring role in a fictional wrestling match in my imagination. The boys of ABC have been sole proprietors of the spotlight for too long, and I'm picturing Chris leading the CBS charge to smack down some opponents and slap down their dicks in laying claim to be the new big boys in the News Division in my homoerotic wrestling universe. With Mr. Blue Steel, Jeff Glor on his right, and aforementioned nerd-'olicious Ben Tracey on his left, I think all the studs who've been driving the drama in the News Division had better watch their backs. There's a new Chris in town, and he's ready to flex those pecs with the best.

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