Even more than the compulsive heterosexuality, there's something intentionally fictive about Valentines Day that irks me. No one's relationship, even the most melba toast straight couple, looks like the gooey, saccharine, "you complete me" idea promoted in commercials and greeting cards. There's something passionless and sterile about the whole production that swings the whole constructed reality of romance toward enmeshment and abstraction and away from physicality. Sure, the morning news shows mentioned men giving lingerie to women as evidence of the link between sex and Valentines Day. But if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say that there's likely a decrease in the amount of sex happening today, directly attributable to the chocolates-and-roses sentimentality of it all.
Now, if there were a Valentines Day card that said something like, "Show me that you really care: Wrestle me to the ground, pound me into submission, and then shove your tongue down my throat," well, then perhaps I'd think that this contrived "holiday" has something for me.
If there were an FTD card that I could send with the orchids that said something like, "First to cum gets ridden like a pony," that might enhance the romance of the day for me.
If a date promised me that, for dessert, he'd treat me to an over-the-knee backbreaker, then just maybe I might associate Valentines Day with some sexual passion.
A jock strap, buckets of sweat, and a schoolboy pin lip lock are a so much more to the point than chocolates and lace and plastic-wrapped shrubbery. I hope today has something truly romantic and passionate in store for all of us, which will have absolutely nothing to do with Hallmark, FTD, or Godiva. It's not that I'm not looking for romance. I just don't think it comes to any of us tied up with a bow with the sales receipt in our pockets.
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