Friday, March 11, 2011

No One's a Winner

My reigning favorite homoerotic wrestling pornboy, Trent Diesel, is wrestling in this week's Naked Kombat release against Paul Wagner. I'm always thrilled to see Trent's marble-carved physique slated for combat. There's something about his shoulders in this match that captivate me. They're just huge and hard and look like something out of a superhero comic book. Damn, I'm a fan of Trent.

But something goes terribly, terribly wrong in this match. It's not the inadvertent knee to Paul's forehead that makes the big, hairy brute look like he could punch a hole in Trent. No, frankly, that injury time out is fantastically hot! When a wrestler really gets popped and you can see the impulse wash over him to unleash the beast in an ugly brawl, that's extremely arousing for my tastes. Sucks for Paul. Works wonders for me.

What goes wrong in this match is not the travesty of scoring that absolutely rips the rightful victory out of Trent's grasp. Again, oddly enough, some rigged officiating can add up to extremely erotic tension, with bruised egos and righteous indignation fueling an "oh-no-he-didn't"plot twist that demands an even more intense battle to right the scales of justice. I mean, even the post-match interviewer agrees with Trent that he thought Trent had the victory sown up decisively at the end of round three.

What goes terribly, terribly wrong in this match is that it ends in a tie. A tie?! Above and beyond the shady scoring that surely owes itself to Paul blowing the ref before the match (just speculating), just the fact that a Naked Kombat match ends in a tie is just wrong. What do you do with "round 4" when round 3 ends in a tie?

It turns out, NK also doesn't know what to do with round 4 in this scenario. The ref announces the score and then, with a smirk, tells the boys to figure it out. Trent and Paul proceed to make out a lot, and then take turns sucking and fucking each other in the jacuzzi, all equitable and even-steven. In other words, this is not "round 4." This is every vanilla gay porn scene ever filmed. Now, I'm not saying that I get no value added from watching Trent's gorgeous body in action. But this is just no "round 4." It's not particularly kinky. It's a pinch-hitter who bunts.

The post-match interviews are as awkward as the disappointing round 4, in my opinion. The boys try to give the no-win scenario a redemptive narrative. "We flip-flopped on the mat," Paul awkwardly explains, "so we both sort of dominated" in the sex round. Trent works harder, and still more awkwardly, to cast the sex round in a positive light. "It was really hot... all the making out... the lack of power struggle.... We were both in charge. It was beyond compare.... yeah, so hot."

I love you Trent. You are absolutely my champion. But "the lack of power struggle" is precisely what makes the ending of this match fall out of the category of wrestling kink. The action before the end of round 3 is intense and highly rewarding, but round 4 just goes off the rails entirely, coloring the whole match a shade of beige. To dominate, to tame, to conquer and then claim the rightful spoils of victory is the essence of homoerotic wrestling kink, as far as I'm concerned. Round 4 has never been done better than a victorious Rusty Stevens, snarling humiliation down like a thunderstorm on his loser opponent, taking any pleasure he wants, and then slapping on an elbow snapping armbar, making his crushed opponent jerk-off with his free hand to within a second of climax, and then demanding that he stop, denying the loser's rising desperation to get off, until Rusty decides he can get off. "No power struggle," indeed. No winner, more like it, and that's just not nearly as hot.

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