Friday, April 1, 2011

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

Ah, hell. The task of sorting through the potential homoerotic wrestlers of the month for March is paralyzingly difficult. Everywhere I turn, there's another beautiful bauble catching my eye. Typically, I like to run down all the contenders, even those who I may not have seriously considered for the title, but who deserve an honorable mention. There are just too many honorable mentions to mention this month, so I'm giving you might top tier, March 2011 elite eight from which I made the very difficult call of who's taking the title as my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month. No one will be surprised to hear that Patrick Donovan is definitely a finalist, for his very sweet initiation of the Z-Man into the delights of BG East in Sunshine Shooters 4. Z-Man would have gotten one of those honorable mentions if I hadn't felt so overwhelmed this month (though, I suppose I just honorably mentioned him). Equally unsurprising will be both Brook Stetson and Mitch Colby for their Sunshine Shooters face off. Holy hell that's one hot, intense match. Kid Karisma slaps away a whole boatload of would-be honorable mentions with his freckled bulging bicep and fantastic victory celebration over Christian Taylor in Wet & Wild 5. Despite my incredulity toward Joe at Ringside at Skull Island for insisting that Ringwars 19 is the must-have collection of the year so far, I have to admit that Alexi Adamov secured his spot in my elite eight this month just as relentlessly as he secured Nick Naughton's face trapped between Alexi's sweaty thighs as he dangled from the rafters. I'm giving Naked Kombat's DJ another very impressed nod into the final elimination round for his total mastery of Kyle Braun on March 23. Spot #7 in my elite eight I'm going to hand to Big Sexy from Thunder's Arena for exactly three reasons: he's big; he's sexy; and he spends about 90% of camera time in No Holds Barred 6 with his hand wrapped around Z-Man's balls. My final spot in my elite eight had belonged totally and solidly to Cameron Matthews for Can-Am's Pro Bashed Triple Threat... until yesterday, when Rock Hard Wrestling came out at the very last second dangling Travis Storm in front of me, pounding a sweaty beat down on Chris Cox/Christian Taylor. The Southern boy with big teeth, a huge back tat, and a hot, fit body turns my eye yet again, and Travis slips in under the wire to be a finalist this month (especially for his fantastic final fall finish as he screams at Chris ferociously with the long and lanky one draped helplessly across his knee).

Damn, that is one fine stable of homoerotic wrestlers who all powerfully impressed me in their March new releases. Sending 7 of these hardbody hunks home seems somehow unthinkable. But you don't pay me the big bucks to equivocate (I know, you've heard that joke before). After agonizing and sweating over this, pouring over match after match, exhausting myself with studying the fine, subtle details that require repeat viewing after repeat viewing, I've made my decision. It's a first for my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month title, in that it's a 2-way tie. There's just no way to give one of these boys the advantage. I simply have to name them co-holders of the reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month title:




I've already vetted their Sunshine Shooters 4 match extensively, and Joe has also taken a turn singing its praises. But you know me. I'm never at a loss for more words of wonder at a truly inspiring, crazy sexy homoerotic wrestling match.


Brook was a surprise to me. I'd never seen the big hunk of hairy muscle in action before, though I've marveled at him in still-frame plenty. His jaw is just too square, I thought. He looks too much like he's been ripped off of a cigarette ad... or a Colt Model centerfold. I walked into this match with eyes for no one other than Mitch, who has long been a homoerotic wrestler title holder emeritus, regardless of where he happens to fall at any given time in my rankings. About 2 seconds after the pre-match stretch-n-flex starts, I'm enthralled with Brook. Like Mitch, I can't help but find my eyes wandering back in awe at his hot body and commanding, nay, domineering presence before he even lays eyes on Mitch. He fills up a room, particularly a relatively compact Florida sunroom, with more than just his 5'11", 240 pound body.


Despite my helpless awe in my initiation into the wonders that are Brook Stetson, Mitch quickly grabs me by the chin and demands the appreciation that he's come to expect from me. This is Mitch in peak physical condition, tanned and toned, thick in all the right places, tight and narrow everywhere else. I could camp out for days on Mitch's body and never grow tired of adoring his pecs, stroking his powerful thighs, licking his biceps (for starters)...


Faced with a mountain of a muscle man in front of him, Mitch looks vulnerable, which is the beginning of my crazy lust for Mitch to keep facing that fear, to keep getting outmuscled and tossed around by his heavier opponent, to keep getting twisted and pried and crushed and still keep coming back for more.


Intensity is the word that keeps coming up in relation to this match. The wrestling is intense and up close. The grunts and flexes and squeezes and crunches are intense. The stunningly hot bodies, with sweat dripping onto one another as they exchange riding time on top, is mesmerizing. This match is not about looking pretty or playing or horsing around or hamming it up (not that those things don't have a charm). It's not about choreography. It is about two big, hard hunks in intense muscle v muscle competition, with fantastically entertaining jock strap wrestling building to a climax of complete domination and hunk humiliation. Both Brook and Mitch equally make this my favorite homoerotic wrestling match this past month, so there's just no way around it. Brook Stetson and Mitch Colby are tied for the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month.

3 comments:

  1. Good call, man. Cheers to Stetson!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Okay, I just felt like I had to say more, even though Bard's pretty much said everything, and more eloquently than I could. But I feel like enough cannot be said for Brook Stetson. It's not just when he's in control; when Mitch has Brook on the ropes (as it were), Brook's still mesmerizing and intense, the grunts so gutteral... It's nothing against Mitch Colby, that Brook Stetson's grabbed my attention like this. Between discovering Brook at this blog, and Brody Steele over at Beefcakes of Wrestling (http://beefcakesofwrestling.blogspot.com/2011/03/brody-bunch.html?zx=c50440da2c1c11e9), I guess I've just taken a turn away from pretty for a while. (Not to call Mitch Colby a pretty boy! As Bard covered, he gives as well as he takes.) But my OWN personal fantasy world has been pretty full of Stetson and Steele lately.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Brook was a surprise to me. I'd never seen the big hunk of hairy muscle in action before,"

    You should check out High Stakes Wrestling 3, which I was please to see showed up at #56 of Ringside's list of favorite matches. For me, it's in the top 5.

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