Thursday, June 16, 2011

Testimonials

Naked Kombat's Phenix Saint explains his plans in his pre-match interview this week. "My strategy is to get him with the speed and the agility, and I have the experience. And I'm going to use everything against him, and let him think he's in control. And just when he thinks so, I'm going to..." Phenix snaps his fingers, "...flip it on him. Bam-bam-bam!" he mimes spanking his opponent's ass. "And bam-bam-bam!" he illustrates three quick punches."


It's the "bam-bam-bams" that spike my wrestling kink! Fight dialogue (before, during, after) exponentiates the erotic in homoerotic wrestling, for my tastes. You've heard this from me before, many times. Everything about homoerotic wrestling works on me, but what comes out of a wrestler's mouth can be a turbo boost to the already fantastic formula of hot bodies, skimpy gear, sexy swagger and intimately dominating physical combat. The testimonial is a particularly entertaining vehicle for highly eroticized wrestling text. Naked Kombat plays this up in every match, requiring that wrestlers stand silently, with their backs to the camera, listening as their opponents trash talk and make their predictions about just how much humiliation that they've got in store for the poor loser behind them.


"Hi, I'm Rusty Stevens," Rusty introduced himself before his oil match with Tommy Defendi. "Six foot. 190 pounds. I'm 3-and-0 here on Naked Kombat, soon to be 4-and-0. I've called that win out before each fight," Rusty flexes his left tricep and examines it nonchalantly, "and I'm calling it again." Rusty has got to be the premiere deliverer of the erotic delights of pre- and post-match trash talk. With his totally smokin' body, he always bragged that he didn't bother training for his matches because he knew that his opponent would be a piece of cake. "My strategy," Rusty explained before his match with Tommy, "is to tire him out so bad that I throw him around like a little doll. When I beat my opponent, first I'll ride him around like a pony, then I'm going to apply the usual fish hooks, but then I've got some new tricks that I'm going to try on him today," Rusty rubs the palms of his hands together eagerly, "and he's not going to like. That's what the loser gets."


The "here's-what-I'm-going-to-do" chat feels a whole lot like foreplay between me and the wrestler giving me his blueprint for destroying his opponent. On Top Wrestling had that format, at least for the few OTW matches I saw (almost entirely to obsess over celestial, golden musclegod, Steve Shannon). Each wrestler would take turns with a close-up testimonial, explaining why it is he expected to come out on top. Steve Shannon, as I remember it, was always selling an "aw, shucks" banter that made me putty in his hands. With my eyes hungrily sucking up every twitch and tremor of his incredible body, Steve would point out that his opponent looks big and awfully impressive, but hopefully he'll manage to out-hustle him into a submission or two. I always feel a little guilty when I find myself sucked into pining for a prettyboy, knight-in-white victory of the good guy.


Of course, I never feel that guilt when enjoying a Rusty Stevens match. And I'm equally as aroused by the "that's-what-I-just-did"chat, when a sweat soaked victor, his chest still heaving as his lungs suck in recuperative oxygen, snidely delivers the blow-by-blow retrospective on his dominating ways. Unlike many/most Naked Kombat wrestlers, Rusty never breaks character even when all is said and done. "Tell me I didn't call that one. Tell me I didn't call that one!" Rusty challenges the off-camera interviewer for the post-mortem of his match with Tommy. "He put up a fight, I'll give him that. Uh, I think he's got a little 'boo-boo' on his forehead, or something. Pretty much everything I tried worked for me. The only thing I couldn't do was the grapevine hold in the oil match, because as soon as I'd get him in the hold, he'd slip right out.... My first oil match. It was hot, though. Cause, like, I remember when my stomach was sliding across his, and I was hard and my dick was bent down, it felt like I was fucking, the whole, like 3-feet that I slid across him. It was like, 'Oh yes, I'm already topping, I'm already topping." In response to the question of when Rusty realized that he had the match in the bag, Rusty skips no more than half a beat. "When I got on the airplane to come here this morning. Or maybe it was the cinnamon roll, cause that was my carbs for the day." Advice for your opponent, Rusty? "A word of advice? Uh, yeah, try training with your little sister, cause training by yourself sure as hell ain't working. And maybe she could teach you something like the nails or the kick to the balls or something you might actually be able to use. Cause all that sliding around shit, what was the score? 50-something to 5? Yeah, this isn't even sweat, this is still oil from the oil match!" Rusty didn't need to keep humiliating Tommy. He'd had his way with him in every humiliating possibility for the prior 50 minutes, so this post-match testimonial didn't amount to anything more. But Rusty reaches right in and grabs hold of my wrestling kink with his relentless, dominating, humiliating trash talk absolutely crushing Tommy Defendi's ego into dust on that mat.


Thunder's Arena taps into this banter-angle just a bit in their members-only section, with testimonial mash-ups with some of their headliners. Before his match with BamBam, Cameron Mathews lounges on the couch at Thunder's Arena wearing only the scant evidence of brief red trunks. "Hey guys, how ya doing?" he asks the camera, all friendly-like. "I'm just relaxing, waiting for my 'big' match with BamBam." Cameron sighs. "Probably the typical Thunder's Arena jobber." He flexes his left bicep and admires himself. "Not like me," he explains, "the champ. Just loungin' around. I skipped going to the gym today. Figured I didn't need it. So we'll see how it goes. Maybe... maybe I'll let him get a couple of moves in... probably not. Maybe I'll even let him win. Unlikely. But at least watch it so you get to see me," Cameron flexes his right bicep, "and me," he flexes his left, "doing what I do best."


Rock Hard Wrestling has done just a little of the wrestler testimonial to help set the scene, but not much. BG East and Can-Am don't seem to work this much at all, as far as I can think of, though I think it's perfectly pitched for BG East's pro-style ring matches. I'd love to see some old-school professional wrestling interviews pre- and post-match with the likes of Lon Dumont, Jonny Firestorm, Denny Cartier and Kid Karisma, in order to blow out the confines of the wrestling fantasy moment even more. A little "here's-what-I'm-going-to-do" strutting from both hopefuls, and the "that's-what-I-just-did" sweat-soaked gloating victor, would go a long way to cranking my homoerotic wrestling kink with both hands.


"This is Rusty Stevens, and I'm still 4-and-0 on Naked Kombat!"

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