Friday, July 1, 2011

Twisted Kinks


Regular readers know of my infatuation with hunky newsmen. It was at the heart of this blog from the beginning. I know I'm not alone in nursing a little newsman fantasy now and then, since there are definitely websites devoted to adoring earnest young hunks reporting world events. And, needless to say, I know that there are plenty of us who nurse a wrestling kink. I'm not sure, however, how many of us there are who invest the time and thought into combining these two fetishistic fascinations. As for me, the first homoerotic wrestling fiction I wrote for public consumption was a beach wrestling, no-holds-barred tournament starring 6 of my favorite reporters and anchors.


The decisive winner of that tournament is a lesser-known newsman by the name of Carter Evans, whose on the payroll of CNN, primarily covering their on-site financial reporting from the stock markets. He's also beamed daily into my living room doing a contract with my local news station, giving a 1 minute stock market run down and covering local stocks of interest from the floor of the NASDAQ. In my fictional tournament of news champions, Carter beat out (and up) much more prominent favorites, including CNN weatherman Rob Marciano and new MSNBC host and openly gay hunk, Thomas Roberts. But Carter clinched his championship and simultaneously sparked an ongoing feud by viciously beating the living shit out my longtime newsman obsession, hunky Italian and brother of the same-sex marriage man of the hour, Chris Cuomo.


Carter has been absent from my local broadcasts for over a week now, and I learned earlier this week the reason. Some major league dick in a car hit him while Carter was on his bike. The ass hole broke Carter's arm in 7 places. Damaging such gorgeous goods and pulling him out of my living room as he recovers makes me harbor some serious venom for the shit head who's never heard of the 3 feet rule. The real Carter Evans, as far as I can tell, is a perfectly straight husband and recent father blessed with sexy charm and a boyish grin, who can work improv better than my local anchors can handle. He has a fantastically asymmetrical face that is simultaneously disarming and sexy as hell. He has the epitome of bedroom eyes and a handsome, square jaw. His dramatically deviated septum has been featured on this blog already, but suffice it to say that whatever it is that put that sharp twist in the cartilage of his nose, it makes me think of a bar fight or, much more to the point, some underground wrestling.


With that one word, I instantly leave behind the real Carter Evans and am transported into a fantasy world in my own imagination where Carter is a homoerotic wrestling god. He plays mind games like a puppet master, essentially winning most of his matches before he ever lays a hand on his opponents. He's sexually voracious, especially for his tag-team partner in the tournament, and he's a master of using his obvious sexual appetite to unsettle and unseat each contender he faces. As with almost everyone who manages to grasp hold of prominence in the entertainment industrial complex in my imagination, Carter is also a skilled, savvy wrestler who takes pure sadistic delight in crushing his opponents in body and soul, proving over and over again that this newsworld is his, and all the other news hunks just live in it.


Since plowing through his competition in the first tournament staged in the Producer's Ring, Carter graduated to color commentator and ring announcer for an ongoing television series pitting other hunky newsman against one another. For the most part, he's more than content to rake in the big bucks with his smart mouth and shit-eating grin from behind the announcer's table. But whenever Chris Cuomo has the nerve to show his face in Carter's arena, Mr. Deviated Septum is constitutionally incapable of leaving well enough alone. His simply loves humiliating the muscled Italian hunk with a passion that cannot be denied. In their most recent run-in, Carter "stole" Chris' ABC protege, rookie news hunk and swiftly rising star, g-g-gorgeous Matt Gutman

Since real life is frequently little more than fodder for my homoerotic wrestling imagination, I predict that Carter, the homoerotic wrestling god of my fantasy world, may sustain a mysterious off camera injury that forces the champ to stay out of the action for a while. The power vacuum will inevitably lead to some opportunistic invaders swooping in to shake things up in Carter's arena. Just how much damage can a nasty new gang of newsboys do in the 6 weeks it takes for Carter to get the green light from his doc to retake physical possession of the ring that is rightfully his?

Get well soon, Carter. Your fans miss you!

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