Sunday, July 17, 2011

We've Only Just Begun


Note to self: Don't check the BG East website updates when in a relatively public place. My instant arousal upon seeing a barefoot Jake Jenkins in knee pads and Kevin Von Erich-esque tight, white trunks posing for his ring match with bad boy musclestud, Kid Karisma, required me to stay seated for quite a while in order to keep confidential the tented crotch of my pants. I don't know if I'll manage to wait for a DVD copy of Hunkbash 12, or if I'll cave as I curse the US Postal Service and also buy a 24-hour pay-per-view download of the match in the BGE Arena. Damn my inability to control my lust for instant gratification! Damn, that's one hot wrestler! Damn straight, he's my homoerotic wrestler of the month!


As I struggle to see whether I can wait it out for Hunkbash 12, let me celebrate another Jake Jenkins match that thrills me to the core and makes me almost ready to throw a bar mitzvah for Rock Hard Wrestling. The quality of Jake's recent release against rookie (somehow I don't think so) Gunnar Bayani (I LOVE that name!!!) suggests that RHW may have finally come of age, as far as I'm concerned. Delightful pacing from two skilled athletes with a story to tell. Gunnar has some professional moves and presence that clearly draw from an established ring career elsewhere. And my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month is both absolutely gorgeous and delivering a delightful combination of amateur tosses and pins mixed in with a growing arsenal of pro-style thumps, flights, and viciousness.


Gunnar plays it cool to start the match. "All that wait, and this is what I get?" Someone needs to check Gunnar's eyesight, because Jake is looking stunning from go. He sports incredible fitness with thick, athletic muscles in all the right places to keep him both flexible and physically dominating in the ring. And that ass... my, oh my, that ass... packed into those red square cuts to perfection.


The running bit that Jake pushes from before they ever make contact is the comparison of Gunnar to skinny Japanese competitive eating champion, Takeru Kobayashi. Personally, I don't really see the resemblance, but then again, I don't suppose that's the point. It's about psyching out an outmatched opponent. "You look that that little skinny Kobayashi," Jake taunts. Let's face it, no one is going to be intimidated by Takeru Kobayashi unless you're stupid enough to go head to head with him in competitive eating. In the wrestling ring, however, it's another story.


"Just like skinny Kobayashi, I beat guys four times my size!" Gunnar snaps back. And although Jake's physique is way out of Gunnar's league, Jake is definitely not four times his size. Gunnar unleashes a lightening fast volley to get the action started that has Jake seeing stars. Backing my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month into the corner, Gunnar lands several hard slaps to Jake's gorgeous pecs that echo around the arena. "Owww!" Jake gasps with a stunned grin that looks unmistakably like he's actually caught off guard by the sincerity and authenticity of Gunnar's assault to his beautiful chest. Jake's beautiful pecs glows bright, bright red for the next 5 minutes of this match.


But once Jake catches the momentum, he illustrates handily what all those gorgoues muscles can do. He picks Gunnar up like a sack of potatoes and flings him to the mat. Just to even the scorecard, he takes pleasure in some tit-for-tat corner abuse. "Does that hurt!?" Jake demands, just checking, just measuring the immediate effect of his swelling dominance over the rookie. "How does that feel?" he asks, as if he's taking notes in the fine art of exacting the maximum agony out of a skinny rookie. A single leg crab has Gunnar screaming. Jake transitions to a nasty leg lock that looks like he's nearly ripping his opponent's leg off at the knee. A lightening fast drop kick, a running scoop slam, and a school boy pin sets him up to return the favor of pounding Gunnar's tight pecs with his fists. For an amateur wrestler stepping sideways into the pro ring, Jake shows that he's got a quickly growing arsenal of holds and maneuvers that take full advantage of his strength, flexibility, and finely tuned awareness of his body in motion. He flies off the corner turnbuckle. He lands a drop kick that spins Gunnar 270 degrees in mid-air. Gunnar is going nowhere as Jake slaps down a leisurely 3-count pinfall. "After that you may want to go back to eating hot dogs, Kobayashi!" he smirks.


Jake works my wrestling kink every bit as relentlessly and skillfully as he inevitably works over Gunnar. Slamming the rookie's face into the turnbuckle, he taunts, "How do those corners taste!?" Multiple powerslams leave gunnar gasping for air. Jake sells some suffering as well, as Gunnar delivers unmistakably expert offense.  His running drop kick squarely into Jake's face looks awfully nasty and perfectly on the money, from my angle. But eventually overcoming exhaustion, Jake just manages to catch Gunnar in mid-air as he leaps off the turnbuckle, reversing the flight it into a beautiful power slam that has the rookie helpless. Jake quickly lifts Gunnar across his shoulders in an entirely convincing torture rack in the center of the ring, pulling hard on Gunnar's body as the rookie screams in desperate agony before gasping out his submission. "We're 2 and 0! Game over!" Jake flexes, his body beautifully pumped from a seriously athletic match.


Jake, my homoerotic wrestler of the month, I'm passionately hoping that we've only just begun!

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