Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

I owe Rex Braddock a favor, because my travel schedule this month completely distracted me from celebrating Rex as homoerotic wrestler of the month like he deserved. The calendar has dictated that it's time for a new wrestler of the month, however, and I'm ready to get down to business. The big splash in January over at Thunder's Arena was the arrival of Impact, who just might be able to steal Big Sexy's name. Matched up against his purported brother, "the All American Kid" Tak, and then against former homoerotic wrestler of the month Z-Man, Impact is looking awfully stunning, especially when he tugs down the front of his trunks provocatively. Neither Can-Am nor BG East posted any January new releases, as far as I can tell.  I'm bending the rules a bit to include three matches from Rock Hard Wrestling, because I failed to include the December 29 release of tasty Travis Storm getting worked on by lean, mean muscle machine Tyler Reeves. Since then, Rock Hard also released jock fantasyman Trent Novak going pec to pec with aspiring male model, Blue Steel Cliff Johnson, as well Eli Black following up his own Rock Hard debut with a muscle bashing demonstration of iron fist diplomacy against the Russian Dream, Alexi Ivanov.

While this is a relatively narrow field compared with some other months, I'm happy to report that the bench is satisfyingly deep. Absolutely any of the above mentioned boys would be welcome to work up a lather of sweat on top of me any day (or underneath, your call). This line up features major league beauty, personality, and salesmanship, but if I've got to take home only one of these wrestlers, my decision is pretty damn clear...




Give me Eli Black!


A certain someone who owes me a favor (and I am keeping track!) pointed out to me that during my December Reader's Choice poll, in which I asked readers to select the current rookie with the brightest potential for a hot homoerotic wrestling future, I made a major oversight in not including young Eli on the ballot. At that point, the only match we'd seen Eli in was in his stunning barnburner debut, matched surprisingly well against another former homoerotic wrestler of the month, Jake Jenkins. It was the sort of rookie debut that leaves me muttering at the screen, "Where's this kid been wrestling!?" There's no way in hell Eli Black stepped foot into the ring with hunky Jake as a literal rookie. It's absolutely, 100% impossible, because despite eventually succumbing repeatedly to Jake's spine snapping backbreakers, Eli has smooth skills and a hot, aggressive presence in the ring that true rookies are hard pressed to pull off.


The match that makes me anoint Eli reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month is January's hot, hot, HOT feature in which Eli says "Pryvet" and "Dasvidania" to the baby Drago import named Alexi (aren't they all?) Ivanov.  Alexi is a post-iron curtain version of Drago, though. The Russian grins like the Cheshire cat when Eli starts things off with a smirk. "Let's put those Russian muscles to the test then, newboy."


Eli unleashes an All American can of whoop ass on the tanned, toned Russian Dream. After 5 minutes of failing to launch a shred of offense, Alexi has got to seriously be reconsidering his designs on conquering America. Eli works the big boy like pumping the pedals of a player piano. He maintains the pressure and the pace like he's been swatting down Russian muscle boys for decades. Slams and suplexes, leg drops, elbow drops, and splashes off the rope... and speaking of ropes, Eli plants his boot right in the Russian's luscious ass and uses the top rope to add that much more leverage on a shoulder-snapping standing surfboard that displays Alexi's gorgeous, ripped body to perfection. Either Eli's got some extensive wrestling background to explain this exquisite workmanship, or he's nothing short of a child prodigy!



For my tastes, what transforms an arousing wrestling match into a homoerotic wrestling gem is the storytelling. Sliced beef Eli slams down the cocky banter every bit as satisfyingly as he slams down the big Russian stud. Hopping up from yet another splash down on Alexi, Eli takes a quick lap around his opponent with his hands on his hips to catch his breath. "Ah man! The only reason I'm getting tired right now is because I'm whooping your ass! Where's the fight!? Come on, Russian boy!!!"  When Alexi's long, strong body is twisted in an agonizing bow and arrow, Eli growls, "Yeah, all your muscles and there ain't nothing special about you, man!"  "Lucky your girlfriend's not here," Eli taunts him, "you'd be ashamed to have her see this!"


Alexi eventually makes Eli pay up just a bit. All that hard, lean conditioning of Eli's comes in handy as he takes some pounding and manhandling from the Russian Dream. It's relatively short-lived, however, as Eli demonstrates that speed and cunning can be an awesome antidote to a 30 pound weight advantage and a nearly half a foot height advantage.  Eli covers every inch of the ring, taking his outmatched bigger opponent from corner to corner to corner to corner.


And it's most certainly not as if Alexi is "the muscles" in this match. Eli drags Alexi's sorry, sweet ass up off the mat over and over, muscling him around, scooping him up and slamming him down like a machine. Eli may not sport the biggest muscles in the business, but he's all solid muscle from head to toe, and he deploys them with an awesomely arousing awareness of all the uses a hot, hard body like his can be put to.



In action, it's Eli's relentless aggression and his pounding, juggernaut pacing that tweaks my kink and makes him a favorite. In still frame, it's Eli's hot, hot athletic ass (I love it when he wipes his sweaty palms on his butt), and his eyebrows that send me into homoerotic fantasyland. Eyebrows!? Yes, eyebrows. When he's ripping the Russian apart in a muscle feast bow and arrow, Eli's eyebrows arch in concentrated fury. He looks like every evil genius from classic spy dramas, but this evil genius is a ripped, hard, gorgeous young homoerotic wrestling prodigy who makes me more than pleased to crown him my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month!

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month - Eli Black

2 comments:

  1. what if.... and it should be noted that i am stoned as i type this...... Eli is just that good; that in his rookie debut he could pull off such a convincing sell of his fight with Jake with the staged athleticism of what is certainly a "tell" of his talent and what we are seeing is the emergence of the most talented homoerotic wrestler you have nominated yet.... looking forward to a 2012 with a lot of Eli in it.

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  2. I agree with everything you just said. I just watched the VOD of Eli's "Gutbash" match on BGEast.... I couldn't even watch it all the way through. It was so intensely good! I'll have to watch it in pieces and enjoy it in thirds. This kid just gets it... he's got the charm and attitude but can also take a beating and sell it so expertly.

    It seems for a long time there have been a lot of modelesque beef cakes that come to sites like BG, Rock Hard etc... But they are so self aware and boring as hell. Too concerned about not looking too corny and don't fully get into character. Being really stiff and not knowing what to do. Eli on the other hand... he gets it and knows how to work it. I'll say the same for Jake Jenkins, that boy is the real deal as well and is amazing in everything put out there so far.

    I hope BG has paid this kid a lot of money for that match because it was the best thing I've seen in a long time. That face, those abs, the skimpy trunks, but to top it all off he actually knows how to work it in the ring as well? He's the perfect package. I hope they have him booked for plenty more matches for the rest of this year. I'll gladly pay to see him every single time.

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