Another quadrennium has passed, and it's time to ogle the world class physiques of the young and gorgeous athletes who have descended upon the seat of hormones and sexual tension that is the 30th (that's XXX!) games of the modern Olympics. The concentration of fitness and hotness is nearly too much to handle at one sitting. As per the particular bent of this blog, of course, we'll concentrate on the boys who inspire homoerotic wrestling fantasies in my mind. To start with, you might guess we'd go directly to the wrestlers, but I'll save them. Bigger hype around the U.S. by far is for dueling coverboys Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte. You can't take a piss at a checkout stand without hitting one of them in the chiseled abs (try it!).
The morning "news" reports it as an epic competition of sportsmanly friends, the only question remaining being who will come in #1 and who will come in #2. Other competitors? Apparently non-existent. Other swimming events than the head-to-heads these two will race? Irrelevant.
|Michael's game face is fierce!|
I'm hardly a competitive swimming expert, so I have nothing to back up a critique of this fixation on Phelps and Lochte. And speaking of fixation, fuck! The bodies on these two Olympians are entrancing! 27 year old Michael is an incredibly long torsoed 6'4" and 185 lbs. Also at 27 years young, Ryan packs on a little more muscle, at the same 185 lbs but only 6'2" tall. Stay Puft at Inner Jobber has already started the conversation about what sort of pro wrestler Ryan Lochte would be. My contribution was to suggest that rather than strictly a jobber, a baby face hero, or a heel, he might be simply a douchebag.
|Douchebag? Perhaps. Hot as hell? Definitely!|
An obvious homoerotic wrestling fantasy is having these two hyped beyond belief young hunks climb into the pro wrestling ring in the skimpiest of speedos to punish each other's world class bodies until somebody screams out a weeping submission... naked. Lochte seems to have the momentum of popular attention on his side, but I'm picturing Michael stripping this tanned stud of his speedo and then using it first to aid in choking the punk out in a hot camel clutch finisher, and then wrapping the trunks around Ryan's neck and dragging his flailing muscle body across the ring before tying him to the ropes and making him suck Michael's Olympic cock. Gold medal: Phelps.
|Micheal screams, "Suck this!"|
But really. Anyone could see that scenario through! A Michael v Ryan homoerotic wrestling match seems so... obvious. I think the real drama is the team match-up that happens after singles competition is over. Michael tags up with his tamed teammate to face the really pissed off world class competition who are sick as shit of all the camera flashes pointing at the two of them. Maybe Michael and Ryan are the shit when it comes to the pool, but I'm seeing some serious beef who just might have other plans in mind for the two pretty boys in the ring.
There are two impromptu teams that I'm proposing for a 3-way tag team mash up in which the world opens up a can of humiliating whoop ass on the Coverboys, Michael and Ryan. First up, let me introduce you to team Young Guns. Hailing first from South Africa, climbing into the ring at 6' even and 190 pounds soaking wet: 24 year old Cameron Van Der Burgh.
|South African muscle man Cameron Van der Burgh|
Cameron may not have the height of Michael or Ryan, but his pride and joy are clearly his biceps. Damn, the boy can't stop flexing those gorgeous guns! Muscle stud Cameron has plans to lock those puppies around Michael's boulder shoulders from behind and lace his fingers together behind the albatross' neck, back his way into a corner, and climb the turnbuckle in order to shake 6'4" Mr. Invincible in a neck-wrenching suspended full nelson. Take a look at those guns again and just picture Michael screaming and flailing with those monsters locked on like a vice!
|Cameron cannot stop himself from flexing those monsters!|
Cameron's Young Guns tag team partner is 21 year old Australian James "The Missile" Magnussen.
|Australian swimming god: James "The Missile" Magnussen|
So sure, I could've made that nickname up as an ideal homoerotic wrestling handle, but I didn't need to. James was already dubbed "The Missile" long ago. He can look down his nose at even Michael from his 6'5" height, and he's shredded like cabbage at 190 pounds of long, lean, aesthetically ideal muscle. And like all of the field of world class swimming hunks, including Cameron, James likes to flex his blazing guns in victory.
|James' is carrying not-so-concealed weapons of dominating destruction|
Ryan Lochte a heart throb? The Missile has plans to pile drive Ryan into semi-oblivion, parade the coverboy from turnbuckle to turnbuckle for a series of septum busting face smashes, and then schoolboy pin the punk and explode his missile all over Ryan's ruined face... well-before pounding out a 3-count pin or submission.
|The Missile is ready to explode!|
|Cameron requires two hands to handle|
I wouldn't give Michael and Ryan a snowball's chance in hell of making it past the Young Guns of Cameron and James. But unfortunately for them, they'd have a third team of indignant muscle hunks in yet another corner, with eyes for nothing but humiliating the overhyped Americans. Sure, technically all 3 teams are competing against each other, but nobody's taking their eyes off of the Coverboys until they're both beaten all to shit, humiliated miserably, counted out or submitted, AND tossed out of the ring. Team #3, the Sexy Beasts, steps into the ring with a score to settle for getting passed over for the beefcake covers of muscle mags in favor of the Coverboys.
|Brazilian muscleboy bad ass: Marcelo Chierighini|
First to leap into the ring for the Sexy Beasts is 21 year old Brazilian Marcelo Chierighini. He's a baby face muscleboy bad ass with an ego nearly as big as his thunderous delts. That wasp-thin waist, the long, lean 6-pack, his kick-sand-in-the-face of some 98-pound weakling sneer... sure he's only 21, but he's raging mad that it's not been his smoldering, classic good looks on the covers of the magazines.
|Sexy Beast #1 is out to fuck somebody up!|
When he's tagged into the action, he's got his eye on a crotch assault never before witnessed in international competition, backing Ryan into the corner and pounding his package with a flurry of knees, kicks, punches, and a couple of headbutts that will turn handsome Ryan green.
|Sexy Beast #2: Italian pec master, Fabio Scozzoli|
Marcelo's fellow Sexy Beast is 23 year old Italian sexpot, Fabio Scozzoli. He's 6'2" and 190 pounds, a whole lot of which comes in juicy, olive oiled breast meat.
|Fabio is all business.|
Fabio is out for nothing less than knocking Michael's ugly mug out of competition forever, first crippling the veteran with a tendon snapping figure-4 leg lock, followed by smothering the legend by trapping his face deep in the crevice of the Italian stallion's massive chest.
|Young Gun James: Pow, pow!|
|Young Gun Cameron: Fist pump for kicking the Coverboys to the curb|
So Michael and Ryan have nothing to look forward to other than being crushed and crippled, humiliated and humbled by the world class hunks hot on their tails. Once they've taken out the trash, however, which team stands alone? Young Guns are determined to be flexing their double barreled assault weapons with their knees planted on the ample chests of the Sexy Beasts. I strongly suspect that there's a new generation of homoerotic wrestling Olympic swimmer badboys to be reckoned with, however, and if the Sexy Beasts can bend the rules, isolate one of the big boys with strategically vicious double teams, and bring the big men to their knees, then The Missile may be worshipping a Brazilian ballistic and Cameron could easily be on his back and sucking a mouthwatering nipple on a sultry Italian stud draped overtop of him in final victory. Now that would be a gold medal finish for the XXX games!
|Sexy Beast Marcelo raises his hands in victory?|
|Sexy Beast Fabio gives a thumbs up to more modeling contracts.|