|Jamaica's Usain Bolt - 6'5", 210 lbs., 25 y/o|
|China's Liu Xiang - 6'2", 190 lbs., 29 y/o|
|German Discus Champ Robert Harting - 6'7", 280 lbs., 27 y/o|
|Norwegian Javelin Thrower Andreas Thorkildsen - 6'2", 200 lbs., 30 y/o|
Before Liu Xiang hit the international track and field scene, track stars were just fodder for the throwing giants in the homoerotic wrestling ring. Put a monster hammer thrower in the ring with a sprinter (or worse yet, a marathoner), and the runners used to seldom manage to even make it close. But Liu Xiang has tamed all-comers over the past 4 years. He'd even severely sprained Robert Harting's knee at the world championships just a year ago. But with Liu out of the gold medal match, it's anyone's guess as to whether Usain can pick up the track star mantle, or whether the pendulum is about to swing back to the crushing power of the discus champ.
When the fastest man in the world sprints into the infield and dives into the ring, the crowd roars. His ebony body shines with a fresh coat of baby oil. He wears his yellow speedos, and he acknowledges the lauds from the stadium by pumping a "#1" sign over head.
The roar from the stands grows louder when the German mountain of muscle jogs into the infield and climbs through the ropes, instantly ripping to shred the fresh track shirt he's donned for the occasion. The muscleman is back in his black square cuts. Usain is just a couple inches shorter, but at 70 pounds lighter, the Jamaican looks stick thin in comparison. Robert quickly closes the distance, pursuing the sprinter to get the action moving, but Usain swiftly ducks out of reach. The discus champ spends a full minute chasing the Jamaican around the ring, always two steps too slow to manage to catch him. Robert's frustration grows with the game of cat and mouse. He stumbles, leaning his forearms against the ropes where a half a second earlier his opponent was standing. A lightening fast heel to the back of Robert's right knee drops the big man to his knees. The Jamaican requires two sharp pulls on the German's right ankle to finally pull the massive man's legs out from underneath him. Robert tumbles forward, his chest hanging from the bottom rope. Usain suddenly plants his right foot on the German's muscled ass and his hands on the top rope. He leaps high over the top rope and falls for what seems like forever, finally driving both feet into the back of his opponent's head and smashing Robert's face into the ring apron. Dropping to the infield below, Usain pries the German's face off the canvas to reveal that he's crushed Robert's nose into a bloody pulp. The discus champ's face is covered in red. Usain pries his head up off the mat by his ears and then slams his shattered nose back to the canvas. Swiftly diving back into the ring, sliding underneath the bottom rope, Usain struggles to drag the German's mighty carcass by the ankles back into the center of the ring. Finally positioning him just so, Usain climbs the turnbuckles, turning to face the ring with his feet poised on the top ropes next to the corner. He waits as the crowd screeches. He waits as Robert drags his upper body off the mat. He waits as the German manages to climb up to one foot, and then both feet, blood streaming from his chin down across his mountainous pecs. When he turns, searching for his opponent, Usain leaps, stretching his long, lean body horizontally to the mat. Usain's right foot lands squarely across the smashed septum of the German, while his left foot catches the big man in the throat. Usain lands on his side with a thud, quickly crouching to assess the damage he's managed to inflict. Robert is stumbling backward, but he reaches the ropes and rights himself. Like lightening, the fastest man in the world bounces off the ropes on the opposite side and sprint into another flying drop kick, this time landing both feet squarely in the center of Robert's chest. Again, the German stumbles backward, but uses the rope to prevent himself from going down. As he Robert pushes himself off the rope, Usain is already bouncing off the rope and flying through the air yet again. The flying drop kick lands precisely on discus champ's sternum, and though he reaches frantically for the ropes, this time the giant German drops to his ass. The Jamaican quickly positions himself directly behind his opponent and shoves Robert's head backward until the big man is staring up at Usain's pendulous package. The steel trap snaps shut around the giant's temples. Robert's face disappears between the sprinter's superhuman thighs. The crowd goes wild when Usain flexes his biceps for them while crushing his opponent's skull as if effortlessly in his standing head scissors. The mighty giant tries to pry his opponent's legs apart, but after a minute, even his massive muscles are no match for the deadly dangerous thighs of the champion sprinter.
Even as Usain is flashing a most muscular pose (which is nowhere near the league of the ferocious German), Robert taps frantically, signaling his submission. Usain quickly drapes himself in the Jamaican flag and strikes his signature pose, pronouncing himself the greatest Olympian of all time.
Fans are still debating the ballsy claim to world supremacy by the gold medalist when the tag teams begin to jog out of from underneath the stadium and into the infield. First to the ring is the Norwegian heart throb, javelin thrower Andreas Thorkildsen, now dressed in very brief blue and red speedos that are much briefer than Andreas' stark white tan lines.
|South African sprinter Oscar Pistorius - 5'11", 170 lbs., 25 y/o|
|Robert is battered, but back to redeem team Germany.|
|German discus thrower Martin Wierig - 6'8", 273 lbs., 25 y/o|
|Usain can't wait to get his hands on more gold!|
|Jamaican sprinter Yohan Blake - 5'11", 168 lbs., 22 y/o|
|Canadian sprinter Jared Connaughton - 5'9", 174 lbs., 27 y/o|
|Italian hurdler Emanuele Abate - 6'3", 176 lbs., 27 y/o|
|Usain insists on starting the tag team mash-up.|
|Larger than life, Martin is predicting team Germany will be #1|
|Jared looks up at the giant German in awe|
|Andreas stares down at Martin|
|Emanuele leaps over the ropes.|
|Jared is determined to muscle his way to victory.|
|Jared's luscious pecs can't save him from being counted out!|
|Robert challenges Oscar personally|
|Oscar's packing heat as he stares down at his opponent.|
|Andreas shows that tag team gold is all about teamwork|
|Gold medalist tag team: Norway's Andreas Thorkildsen...|
|...and South Africa's Oscar Pistorius.|