Friday, October 12, 2012

Friends with Benefits

Sam Champion (r) announces he's marrying his partner (l) who is, shockingly, a man.
Breaking news! Sam Champion is gay!  Well, really now.  Breaking news? I've probably spent more time than most studying newsboys and speculating on their sexualities, but even a casual observer of that glazed look of unrequited lust and conspicuous blushing every time 6'2" Italian thoroughbred Chris Cuomo gives him a wink and a smile couldn't miss the obvious truth.  So excuse me if I fail to look surprised, even as I sincerely celebrate another hot celebrity throwing wide the closet doors.  Seriously, ABC has been handling the whole thing with remarkable poise.  It's all about the good news, unrestrained excitement, gentle kidding... all the stuff that happens when anyone tells their friends that they're engaged.  Because that's the real news.  Sam's tying the knot in a state where that's legal with his smoking hot, sultry Brazilian (all of that's redundant, now, isn't it?) fiancé. 

Chris flexes his mouthwatering gun: Sam blushes and adjusts his position on his bicycle seat.
Sam and Chris were stars of the first homoerotic wrestling fiction I posted nearly 4 years ago.  They were tag team partners who had to compete head-to-head in a singles match to start off the newsboy tournament.  Their notorious gay/straight bromance turned nasty quickly when winning was on the line.      Sam used the excuse of the opening handshake to sucker punch (kick, really) Chris in the gut, dropping the big muscle stud to his knees, and slapping on a skull crushing standing head scissors.

Chris feins indifference to Sam's straightboy crush
I imagine Sam to be a seriously vicious scrapper, while Chris is just stunned that his good looks and rippling muscles aren't making his little buddy weak in the knees like they usually do.  Sam rips Chris' tank stop off and ties the red-faced Italian's wrists together with it before stepping back and taking in the sight of the muscle stud transformed into a vulnerable meatscicle.
I suspect Sam volunteered to co-star with Chris in a wet t-shirt scenario
Sam and Chris were at the very beginning of this blog, too, inspiring me to snag my first caps to post what it looks like when they get dropped into a dunking booth, their wet t-shirts plastered to their bodies.  Soaked to the skin, Chris' hot pecs and tight abs on display as the fabric goes transparent... this is the type of "news assignment" every gay man wants to be part of!

Chris points at his pride and joy: that gorgeous, bulging bicep (oh, yeah, there's a fish there, too)
Chris Cuomo remains a fixture in my homoerotic wrestling imagination, appearing in an astonishing 5 fictional wrestling matches in the Producer's Ring.  His real-life penchant for absolutely needing to show off his massive, bulging biceps doesn't do anything to douse this fire I've got burning for him.

Technically, one doesn't actually need to roll one's sleeves up past one's granite carved deltoids to display one's catch, does one? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
If somehow fishing could be worked into my erotic tastes, Chris would certainly be my patron saint.  As it is, his insistence on showing off his catch with his shirt sleeves rolled up past his massive shoulders, letting the heft of his catch pump his mountainous bicep up to a mouthwatering peak, is sufficient to cement him as a recurring character transported into my erotic wrestling fantasies.

Chris makes Sam sweat with a hands-on weightlifting spot.
Now with Sam trading up his bromance with Chris for a romance with Rubem, it makes me wonder if the chemistry between the two newsboys had a part to play in driving my instant infatuation with the big, handsome, muscle clad Italian.  The chemistry between them most definitely inspired that no-holds beach match between them.  Just to round out that action for those who missed it, there's hair pulling, a heat-butt to the groin, face punching, and a rib crushing body scissors that makes one stunned newsboy wish he had air left in his lungs to be able to cry, "I submit!"

I'm pretty certain the green is photoshop, but the muscles are all Chris Cuomo!
With some major projects in my rearview mirror, I'm recommitting myself to the Producer's Ring universe in the coming weeks.  First up, my infatuation with homoerotic wrestling newsboys is inspiring a rush of new action.  Chris Cuomo, the hunk featured most in my writing thus far (of any celebrity genre!) is almost certain to make an appearance again soon.  He's pumped. He's hard.  He's been bicep curling massive fish and ripping that physique of his with triathlon training.  Somebody's in for some hurt, even if the big, gregarious muscle stud tends to be a rather tragic babyface object of muscle-bashing sooner or later.

Chris unbuttons his shirt, flexes his pecs, and ponders the direction his homoerotic wrestling career is heading.
Then again, even the biggest boy scout on the planet (or the one with the biggest pecs) can be pushed only so far.  One of these days, our baby face hero may just decide that playing by the rules and flashing his dimples and nipples isn't the key to success in the wrestling ring.  And if pec-pappa Chris takes a legitimate heel turn, holy shit! There are some hot newboy objects of lust who'd better watch their backs!

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations on more time for entertaining writing! And as the newsboys are on the rise, might I please put in my bid for a return of openly-gay, openly-hot, newly-married Thomas Roberts.

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