Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

Walks in the park were laying on on too thick, huh? True enough, yesterday's post swearing off the core direction of this blog for topics unrelated to homoerotic wrestling was, indeed, an April Fool prank. For the record, I'm not in therapy and have found 3 out of 4 therapists in the past to be undertrained, unqualified, and generally unhelpful, so the idea of taking a therapist's advice and turning my back on what gets my blood pumping is never going to happen. And while it's true that I do actually get a kick out of long walks and flowers from my lover, they do not make me hard. What does turn me on, of course, is some hot, sweaty, full contact, no shame, muscle on muscle wrestling, so let's put the foolishness behind us and get down to business, namely, naming the new homoerotic wrestler of the month around these parts.

Rock Hard Wrestling puts up a couple of sugary sweet treats: beautifully tattooed muscle twink Josh Steel and newcomer reported pornboy Luke Harrison pounding on each other until one of them is "Stripped." RHW also puts up nominees fratboy Alex Waters and baby bodybuilder Brodie Fisher for Rookie Rising. Thunder's Arena has been busy with several new releases debuting new wrestlers, of which I'm giving nominations to HUGE bodybuilder and deadringer for a comic book supervillain, Vinny "Too Good" who has suddenly appeared in 3 releases, but I'm particularly pleased with his twink punishment on lovely, lithe Mogly in Mat Rats 37. Though not to overlook the biggest news story in homoerotic wrestling over the past couple of weeks, Vinny most recently showed up on the Thunder's mats against a Thunder's debut of fitness model goldenboy Frey, who everyone but EVERYONE already knows exceedingly well as none other than Rock Hard Wrestling's and BG East's Austin Cooper. Frey/Coop also gets my loving for getting Python's insanely peaked python wrapped around his throat in Rough and Ready 31. Glory be, Can-Am has released something new with perennial workhorse Jobe Zander grabbing a nomination and the nuts of Joey Boots who has got a look that instantly sparks my imagination. Can-Am has also released a superhero porn wrestling piece in their Hard Heroes genre giving us another gander at Joey Boots as well as fellow nominee and a Naked Kombat alum who was always a favorite of mine, long, strong, insanely flexible Phillip Aubrey. And just under the wire, BG East released catalog 98 (that's 2 catalog's away from a century!). I nearly didn't have time to give the catalog 98 releases a serious look, making me nearly postpone their consideration for next month. But some exhausting dehydration sessions over the past couple of days have given me the opportunity to consider them in their time. As a result, I'm putting in nominations for muscleman Chace LaChance and blindingly pretty powerhouse Brad Barnes for Pec Bash 2; former HWOTM leading man Christian Taylor and lusty stud Tino Valencia for Sunshine Shooters 6; two former HWOTM, sweaty muscle stud Jake Jenkins and sexy never-say-die Skrapper for their appearance also on Sunshine Shooters 6; a truly breathtaking and compelling debut by Ronny "the instant classic" Pearl and the human buzz saw, Cybertron 2.0 in Ringwars 21; perennial goldenboy Austin Cooper's deeply satisfying heel turn in Demolition 16; former HWOTM forearms-of-steel Jonny Firestorm cubed for the fantastic concept piece of The 3 Stages of Jonny; and finally, sultry Lorenzo Lowe and magical Gabriel Ross for pounding it all out in Wrestle Shack 16.

I love the mix of former HWOTM, other frequent nominees, and brand new additions to the ranks this month. This was a fantastically deep field this time around, and I loved exploring every inch of it. I much prefer a month like this, where I waver back and forth between several nominees, torn and tormented by the task of selecting just one to hail for their hot new appearance on the scene. So much to say about so many of these profoundly delightful wrestling performances, but if you batter me defenseless and tie me in the ropes (please!) to demand I make a choice, I've got one juice-draining hunk in mind, and I'm not looking back. The new reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month is...






... Austin Cooper.



Appearing in 2 matches at Thunder's Arena (as Frey), and 2 matches in his self-subtitled Demolition 16 BG East release, if this were a random draw, he'd have the best odds of winning the title anyway. However, it's far from blind chance that I specifically call out his main course feast for the senses in Demolition 16, telling one of my very favorite wrestling stories in any genre, the goldenboy heel turn. God, I love a heel turn. The journey from Coop's catalog 96 appearance in American flag briefs climbing into the ring as one half of the gorgeously cocky muscle-beautiful pretty boy team alongside of former HWOTM Jake Jenkins to his showing up in Demolition 16 in a black lace corset, villainous facial hair, and a penchant for trampling a totally outmatched opponent brings a tear of absolute erotic joy to my eye!



Coop, drenched in sweat, hard as granite, and pounding the living shit out of stellar jobber extraordinaire, Rio Garza, is absolutely a thing of beauty. There are Rio fans already hating on me for not choosing him again this month, but this isn't about their favorite wrestler-of-the-month, it's about mine, and as blindingly beautiful as is Rio's admittedly growing capacity to job, I cannot take my eyes off of Coop's soaked, heaving chest. Out-prettying Rio Garza is a mind blowing feat, but damn it all but if ripped Coop does just that for me. But interestingly for me, it's his less ripped, less pristine look in the second match of Demolition 16, against beautiful lamb-to-the-slaughter, masked Mister E, that sets off the biggest fireworks in my head and crotch.



When Coop first hit the scene arm in arm with Jake Jenkins, showing up simultaneously at Rock Hard Wrestling and then making the leap to BG East as a matched pair of beauties, I went on record early that ridiculously beautiful Coop took a back seat for my affections behind Jake. From the start, if you put the two of them side by side and slathered in baby oil (not because that's relevant, but just because I'd like to seem them in baby oil), my hands would, of their own accord, stretch involuntarily toward Jake, without a doubt. It's no wonder Jake was a HWOTM long before now, because he always plays my lusts like a concert pianist. But even with Jake in the mix this month in a fantastically hot and bothered mat match against Skrapper, Coop doesn't just turn heel, he turns me into a believer.



Like I said, goldenboy fitness model turned sadistic ring heel is pretty much guaranteed to rock my world as far as wrestling stories go, and you know I'm always a sucker for a well-told story with ample, bouncing, pendulous character development. In less generous moments in the past, I would have probably ungraciously thrown words like "vanilla" and "pedestrian" around in musing on the erotic spells that Austin Cooper can weave over me. That is, most definitely, no longer the case, and for climbing into the ring in a lace up corset and convincing me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's got a ravenous blood lust for chugging down the wailing suffering of a crushed opponent, I'm entirely on board. Among a very competitive and pleasing crowd, Austin Cooper rises to the top as both a gloriously delightful heel and my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month!







2 comments:

  1. Now you KNOW I don't think jobbers are boring, but Austin as a heel really does seem more interesting to me. Rio, I have no interest in seeing him as a heel because I love him as a jobber so much, but for some reason it looks like Austin as a heel just seems more intriguing than Austin as a face!

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  2. An exceedingly excellent pick. Great as a heel or a hero.

    Thunder's Arena has some great matches. And I'll be perusing the new BG catalog soon.

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